


Some Things Don't Need to be Healed

by buzzbuzz34



Series: AroAceingTheLine 2021 [4]
Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Amatanormativity, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Canon Asexual Character, Gen, Internalized Arophobia, Scars, aroaceingtheline2021, grey asexual character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29705388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzbuzz34/pseuds/buzzbuzz34
Summary: Set on the airship on their way to Prague, Sasha is getting healed by Zolf, but she feels like there’s a bit inside her that is still wrong, even after his magic does its job.  After some explaining, Zolf teaches her about aromanticism, and she doesn’t feel quite so broken anymore.
Relationships: Sasha Racket & Zolf Smith
Series: AroAceingTheLine 2021 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177421
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18
Collections: AroAceing the Line





	Some Things Don't Need to be Healed

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day 4 of @aroaceingtheline! Today I chose the prompt Awareness

Sasha barely even felt Zolf’s magic wash over her as he healed up the scars that reopened every morning. There was something else wrong with her that somehow ran deeper than the marks of an autopsy.

“Okay, you should be all set. Once we get to Prague, we’ll find someone who has a better idea what’s going on.”

“Right. Cheers.”

When Sasha didn’t move to put on her jacket or leave the room, Zolf hesitated.

“Is something wrong?”

She continued to sit on the bunk and examine her hands.

“I think I’m broken.”

“What do you mean?” Zolf stepped back over to her side in an instant. “Did it not heal you all the way?” Sasha couldn’t make out the words, but she heard quiet, angry murmuring escape his lips, cursing Poseidon for not fixing her right.

“No, it’s not that. This is…” She stretched her shoulders. “This is fine. As good as it gets when you’ve got a falcon on your back and cuts all up your front. It’s more… Never mind.”

Despite her dismissal, she still made no attempt to leave the cabin or move on, so Zolf sat down next to her and waited for an explanation. He wouldn’t push her or force her to speak before the thoughts sorted themselves out in her head, and she was grateful for that. Even if she decided to say nothing, Sasha knew that Zolf would listen to the silence as well as her words.

“Earlier in the lounge, Hamid was talking about this girl he used to date, and it got me thinking… I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never wanted to? It’s like, hugs are good sometimes, in rare occasions, but I don’t like people touching me, and thinking about kissing or any of that stuff… it just feels wrong. But it can’t be wrong, can it? Everybody falls in love eventually, but I don’t want to, and I’ve never even felt close to that.”

Zolf paused for a moment, and then said, “Oh.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t suppose you have a spell to fix that? To make me normal?”

“No, no, Sasha, it’s not like that. You’re not broken. Look at me.” There was a pleading desperation in his voice, and Sasha couldn’t help but lift her eyes to meet his. “You are _not_ broken. There isn’t a spell to fix this because there is nothing to fix.”

“Then what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you. It sounds like you’re aromantic. You don’t experience romantic attraction.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

Zolf took a breath to arrange words and definitions before he continued. “Okay, right. Well, you talk about dating and kissing and falling in love – that’s like romance. Those butterflies in your stomach and wanting to spend your life with someone. Doesn’t have to be romantic, but a lot of times it is, and lots of people think it _always_ is, but…” He gestured with his hands as he spoke, waving them wildly, and Sasha watched them as she tried to sketch out explanations in her mind. “But not everybody wants that. Not everybody feels that way. It’s like, there’s a door, and it’s locked. Seems like everybody else has a key, but you don’t.”

“I pick it open.”

“No, it’s… you can’t. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much you try to force the door, you just keep breaking off your lockpicks, but other people are passing right through, and you’re stuck. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a whole house to live in; you just can’t get into that one room.”

“But I want to nick – _appraise_ – the stuff in that room.”

“Maybe this wasn’t a good analogy…” Zolf pondered.

“No, I think I get it,” Sasha replied, abandoning her skillset for the sake of the explanation. “It’s not about nicking things. Like, there could be valuable stuff in that room, but I haven’t got the right pieces to get in. So… romance is the room?”

“Exactly. It doesn’t make you a bad thief, a bad _person_ that you can’t get in. It’s weird, and sometimes you might feel like you’re missing out, but you’ve got all sorts of other rooms to wander around in, other parts of your life to experience, maybe other types of love to feel, with family, with friends. You just don’t feel romance, nothing wrong with that. And you might be able to see in through a window or a crack, and want to be in there because that’s where everyone is, but that doesn’t mean you actually _want_ what’s in that room.”

“Hm.”

Sasha went back to looking at her hands, part of her still protesting that there was no door she couldn’t pick open, while the rest of her attempted to look past that for the sake of the metaphor.

“I know it can be hard to wrap your head around,” Zolf said, examining his own hands now. “I’m sort of the same way. Not with romance, so much, but with sexual attraction. Most people can look at a person and think, ‘hey, I could get it on with them,’ but I don’t. I mean, I do sometimes. I think I’ve experienced that sort of attraction twice… three times… _two and a half times_ in my entire life. That’s a form of asexuality, the lack of sexual attraction. What you’re talking about sounds like aromanticism, the lack of _romantic_ attraction. And, listen, it’s not the same thing, I can’t entirely relate to you because I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I want to fall in love and all that, but… I sort of get the whole ‘broken’ part. Sometimes you just want to smash down that damn door and not have to wonder or explain why you can’t get in. But after a while, you get used to it, and you can take pride in the fact that you know every other room in the house better than anyone else ever could.”

After a while, Sasha nodded. It still felt like she had a hole in her chest, but the edges weren’t so sharp anymore. 

“Thank you,” she said. “I think… I think I understand.”

“And it might take a bit. When we land, maybe we can find a book or something that can explain it all better than I can. I think I remember a couple titles from when I was trying to sort myself out, years ago. It’s a very worthwhile detour,” he added when he saw Sasha open her mouth to protest at taking time away from their job. 

Eventually, Sasha quietly asked, “Do you remember how I said hugs were okay sometimes? Do you think… Can I hug you?”

Zolf chuckled and smiled. “Come here.”

They spun to face each other and fell into an embrace, holding on tight. For a brief moment, Sasha buried her face in the crook of Zolf’s shoulder, and then she retreated in a flash. 

“Thanks for taking the time to heal me, boss.” She stood and put on her jacket, making ready to leave the cabin. “And for telling me which parts don’t need to be healed.”

“You’re welcome. Any time, Sasha.”

*

Zolf left in Prague. Sasha tried not to think about it too much, or wonder if she had driven him off. She would focus on the job.

The halls of the flying University were beyond Sasha’s comprehension; she couldn’t even appraise half of the stuff floating around, so mixed up with magic as it was, but she did know it would be worth a _lot_ in the right hands.

But then there were footsteps coming toward them, and thoughts of appraisal vanished from Sasha’s mind as she ducked behind a nearby ledge and readied her wrist sheaths.

“Mr. al-Tahan! And, uh, Bertie?”

“ _Sir Bertrand_ , you pathetic little weasel,” Bertie growled at the student that ran up to the remainder of the group.

Hamid pushed past that. “What’s going on?” He asked the frantic and terrified student.

“I’m looking for a, uh, Sasha Racket?”

Without missing a beat, Hamid replied, “Who’s asking?”

From her hiding place, Sasha smiled at Hamid’s response.

The student stuttered and read over the directions he held in a shaking hand. “I have a package for her, from some grumpy looking dwarf. I was told to track down a halfling of your description and a loud man in gold, since you would be easier to find than she would.”

Sasha perked up at the explanation, then slunk out of her hiding place and over to the group.

“It’s alright, Hamid,” Sasha said. Hamid jumped as she did so since he hadn’t seen her approach.

“You’re Sasha then?” The student asked.

“Yeah… that’s me.” Felt wrong to admit to her own name, but they were far away from London, and that grumpy looking dwarf sounded like someone she trusted.

The student pulled a book from his pack and handed it over. “Here. Alright, bye!”

With that, he ran off, obviously horrified of the ragtag group he addressed.

“What is it?” Hamid questioned. “It’s from Zolf?”

Sasha looked over the book in her hands. _What is Romance? A Guide by and for Aromantics_ was the title, and she smiled to herself.

“Yeah, it’s a… a book he said I might like. He talked about us finding a copy, but obviously he’s not here for that anymore.”

Hamid nodded, then noticed that Bertie and Grizzop were wandering off, so followed after them to catch up before either of them could terrify or threaten any more of the student populace.

Sasha, however, stood a moment longer to open the book and scan the pages. Inside the front cover was a scrawled note in a recognizable hand:

_Remember, Sasha, you are not broken, and you are never alone._

_Zolf_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed! I also hope this metaphor makes sense lol 
> 
> Check out aroaceingtheline.tumblr.com for more awesome aro ace content!
> 
> And if you want to find more of my writing, head over to kellanswritingblog.tumblr.com, or feel free to hit up my personal, celsidebottom.tumblr.com <3


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